I didn’t intend to be a misogynist, I didn’t even know I was
one until I opened my eyes and looked at what was happening to someone I cared
for, then I realized my ignorance and my complicity. Aside from intentional misogynists
most of this country runs on an unconscious bias toward white, straight, rich
men. There is no real “reverse discrimination” as some would claim. And if you’ve
never been on the other side of prejudice you don’t have any idea what it
really feels like. And that’s where we need some education in this country.
Twenty years ago I landed a job at Merrill Lynch and met a
strong, independent, powerful woman, Jan Sparrow. We became friends and in 2000
we left Merrill Lynch to start our own consulting business. It was when Jan and
I began to travel and work together that I saw the bias.
Though Jan had 16 more years in corporate America than I did
and vast amounts of experience, she was often ignored when we pitched business
and I was focused on. In hotels and airlines (when they still controlled
upgrades) I was given upgrades and she wasn’t even though we had identical
status in both. In meetings Jan was talked over and interrupted while I was
allowed to speak unhindered. It was amazing and appalling. That’s what opened my
eyes.
I always believed that everyone had an equal opportunity in
this country, but the new research is pointing to a darker reality, our
unconscious biases. We don’t know that we score women lower than men when we
rate teachers, politicians and professionals. We complement girls and women on
their looks and boys and men on their success. When meeting with married
couples we defer to men in decision-making, sometimes not even looking at the
women in meetings. When a man is strong and aggressive we call him “a go-getter”
but if a women is strong and aggressive we call her a "bitch."
Sadly I use to defend myself by saying to women that I wasn’t
the enemy; I believed in equality. Now I know that is not enough. I have to
believe in inequality, in the subconscious bias that our society, our world
teaches us. Jan and every women deserves that from me.
So, now I’m conscious of how women are treated in the
boardroom, in lines, at dinners because I’m starting to see the reality that
they are not treated equally. To all the men I suggest you find a professional female
colleague and follow her around for a day with open eyes and ears. You will be
amazed. To all the women, I encourage you to stand up to the misogyny and help
us to open our eyes.
**the reference
below is the link to Nicholas Kristoff’s NYT article that inspired this blog.
He has the research on bias in his article.
